A family portrait with greatgradma. I'm the one on the lower right.
Mom recently broke the news to be that greatgrandma will not last much longer. The old, wise and gentle lady that used to lead the family of hundred plus members is no longer the healthy, perky and humourous motherly figure that we can relate to. When my uncle held his wedding in my hometown Malaysia last weekend, she travelled all the way from the northern part of the country to give him her blessings. Before everyone could figure anything out, she was down with pneumonia, struggling with death on the hospital bed.
The doctors helped to alleviate her discomfort by removing water from her lungs. The next day, the water came back again. Noticing something amiss, the doctor checked with the rest of the extended family for her clinical background. She had intestinal cancer many years back and his best guess was that it’s a relapse.
She’s 96 and the days are numbered. Life is slowing seeping out of her as she laboured to gasp every breath of air around her. Her four daughters immediately travelled down from the north too (most of the members of the maternal side of the family live in Penang, a city up north of my country’s capital). The doctor suggested that since the water in her lungs would not cease, he suggested euthanasia by removal of the feeding tube.
She would wither slowly, painlessly but surely, he said. And in a week’s time she will be relieved from all the mortal burdens and move on to a better place, away from illness, suffering and pain.
The entire family panicked. My cousins and brother cried. My grandma, considered as a very strong, resilient woman of her age, couldn’t help but shed a lot of tears too. After a few days in the hospital, she was bundled into an emergency trip returning to Penang where more people could care for her. So far, what I’ve been getting from my mom is that she’s still battling hard against death.
She pulled the feeding tube from her. She refused to be fed. Perhaps she wanted a quick reprieve from the illness she’s suffering. She could barely drink or eat now, and she has been wandering dangerously close to the line that separates life and death.
Afterall, greatgrandma is the very top of our family hierarchy and in my culture, family is the one that matters the most. Year after year we would visit greatgrandma in Penang during Lunar New Year. I gave up asking my parents how old she is turning that very year and my parents gave up on my incessant questioning. When I was a kid, I had always prayed that she would turn 100 and enjoy five full generations under one roof. What never crossed my mind was her departure.
Family and Death
Death is something very foreign to me. Besides an unfortunate death of my uncle when I was in primary school due to a tragic industrial accident, our 100-strong extended family had never been apart and had never lost anyone since. His death reminds me of the mortality of human – how fragile and emotional we were, and that our organic, mortal bodies were merely vessels of the true, eternal spirit in within.
When we die, we will no longer be able to accompany our loved ones, our friends and our partners. However, what we leave behind is a lot of love and a legend that people will speak of. My late uncle had this unique place in my heart – a guitar man, an awesomely-good joke teller, a good (and sometimes irritating, haha) tickler, a man faithful to his partner, a filial son to my grandaunt, a shady knobby tree for his two sisters.
My greatgrandma, on the other hand, brought her two elder daughters from China many decades ago, when China and Japan were in war. They settled in the Malayan peninsula, living in the jungles feeding off potatoes and vegetables to avoid the ruthless Japanese army. They lived, with many other fearful Chinese fleeing from the Japanese onslaught, in caves or in jungles. Malnutrition kicked in, many suffered from scabies. Up till today I felt that it was a miracle they made it out alive.
Soon after that my greatgrandma ended up with four sons and five daughters, forming a very close knitted family up till today. My grandma is the elder daughter of all, and willingly picked up all greatgrandma’s duties when she was too old to handle family issues. Greatgrandpa died young – he had diabetes but he died of old age, interesting man, isn’t he? I could vividly remember how my mom recalled to me in my childhood years on his stubborn demeanor. Despite being a diabetic, he tirelessly groomed roses in his garden. A single cut could have killed him.
I pray
I know I am being very selfish here. I pray that my grandma would not pass away during my exams – as a part of the extended family, I feel that it is a must for me to pay her my last respects when she decides to leave. My exams start in a week and a half’s time and will not end until 7th of May.
And I seriously doubt that she will be able to make it until that date. She couldn’t eat or drink well for the moment being and she pulled the feeding tube out (and we, as her family members, respect her decision not to be tube-fed). I don’t know when she will go.
Greatgrandma, I love you so so so much. I blame myself that I couldn’t communicate fluently with you in the dialect that you can understand, but you do know that I love you. My love for you is as tall as the sky and is as deep as the ocean.
In the arms of the angel, fly away from here.
So sorry to hear about this…you be strong Terry…my prayers go out to your great grandma..i am sure she lived an eventful life and to be able to see all her offspring including great grand children like yourself is a great blessing indeed…i am sure she knows how u feel for her and I am pretty sure she wont have any blame for anyone for any particular reason
it will bode her well for you to do what is most necessary now and leave the rest in the hands of the almighty…you are more than old enough to take good care of yourself so be focused and do just that :)
Thanks a lot, coussie. I feel that I’m being a very selfish person though – she’s obviously in a lot of pain and I didn’t want her to die so quickly. The other half of me knows that she had already outlived many others of her generation and perhaps it’s time that she leave her mortal, organic body behind. I’m feeling a little torn.
Nonetheless, I think she knows all I wish for her is out of good intention and faith. I don’t want to prolong her suffering any further and if she’s really leaving, I pray for a painless and peacefull departure.
Yeap, I will be strong. Thank you :)
This is very sad news to hear, Teddy. For you and for your whole family.
You are very fortunate to have a greatgrandparent still around. 96 is a very impressive age, and it’s great to know that she is still a very strong cornerstone for your family.
Over the last year, I lost both my grandfathers. If grief brings on any sense of “awareness”, it’s something that I carry, and I feel a more acute sense of loss for the other person when I hear of them going through the same or similar thing. Grief, though experienced by everyone at a point in their lives, is so individual in its manifestation, so this is not to say that I know exactly how you feel, although I hurt for you and your family.
I can only offer prayers for your greatgrandma and your family, for peace, comfort, and the warm embrace of family to get you through this very difficult time.
My mom told me over the phone that the entire family was in shock over her ailment. My great grandmother used to be a healthy and strong lady – although she is plagued by dementia, her memory somehow recovered after a serious episode of slipping and falling in the toilet. Her recovery told us just so much what a fighter she was deep inside.
96 is indeed a very old, ripe age. She had outlived many of the people in her generation and I think that she’s very lucky and blessed to have a huge family like us who cares for her. I shall place family politics behind all this now, although it hurts to think of it, I’m glad that she brought the entire family together. There’s this Chiense saying that there’s a hard prayer for every family, meaning that family conflicts and politics are not in any way preventable.
I’m terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your grandparents. It mustn’t be easy, especially to think that they have been through so much to live to the era today when life is a lot easier and kinder on them.
Thanks for the condolences, Maria. I understand that grief is a very individual expression and manifestation of thoughts and sense of loss. But thank you so much for your concern and advice. Here’s a big hug for you :)
Sorry to hear about your great-grandmother. I’ll keep her in my prayers and hope for the best.
I’ve lost a lot of family members in the last decade or so. My two grandmothers died within two years when I was still in primary school. My god-grandmother died just last year.
My mother told me that the elders die to protect their future generations from whatever was coming. In the case of my paternal grandmother, my aunt said that it was to protect my unborn brother at that time. I guess that helped me to get over their deaths and continue on with life properly.
Thanks Chien. I lost an uncle many years back and I guess I still had to get used to death. In a few years time, many of my granduncles, grandaunts and grandparents will be in the age when their bodies will start to expire. That will be a lot of deaths I will have to deal with later.
I’m so sorry to hear about the deaths of your grandmothers – it’s not easy to cope with the loss of someone so close to you. Seriously speaking, if I lose my grandmother one day I’d be grieving for a long time. She was my babysitter when I was a toddler. She was the one who showered me with kisses and hugs when my parents scolded me. She was the one who brought my candies and toys everytime she visited me in my home, although that meant a grueling 5-hour bus ride away from her house in Penang.
Sometimes I regret that I have never done much talking to great grandma. I’m not familiar with her dialect and the best I could do is to ask her how is she doing and had she eaten already. But I’m never stingy with my hugs, haha :)
Your mom has an interesting school of thought! She sees them as the guardian angels of the new generation – that resonantes a lot with the Chinese belief that when an old person dies, a new life is born (or a rebirth, who knows?).
Wow, what a sad situation! I’m so sorry to hear about your greatgrandma. :(
Hey, hope you’re feeling okay.
I don’t really know what to say, except that your friends will be there for you when you need’em.
Hi Terry,
Stay strong, okay? My heart goes out to you and your family. /sends love virtually
Oh wow, Teddy. That just broke my heart… I’m on the verge of tears just reading this. I can only imagine how tough it must be for you and your family right now. Wow, 96 years old, eh. What a life I’m sure she has lived. That is definitely something to be very proud of. She sounds like such a sweet lady, too. I pray for your great-grandmother’s health & happiness as well as yours and your entire families. Please be strong, Teddy… as I know you are! If you need anything. To talk, to vent, or just to laugh, whatever it is… I am here. ;) HUGS!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your great grandmother, and I’ll be keeping her in my prayers. I’m sure that she’ll be really glad to know how much you care for her, as well as be proud of how far you’ve come.
No matter what happens, stay strong and live your life the best you can. I’m sure that’s what your great grandma hopes to see too.
Be strong and focus on your exams Terry. That’ll be what she wants for you to do.
Teddy, I just read your update on Facebook, and I just want to leave another hug and sincere condolences for your loss.
My condolences to you. It’s just a matter of time when I’ll be in the similar situation as you. (My granny is in a state of half-coma.) I’ve been worrying for 2 years now that she might just go like that suddenly, when I’m having my exams or when I’m away from my hometown. T.T
I don’t know if I’m considered selfish.
Aw keep your head up! It’s so sad when a family member is sick. I remember losing my maternal grandpa who practically raised me… it was soo painful. My grandma who is my favorite person in the whole world (sounds corny lol) is getting older too and her health is failing. I can’t imagine the day that she won’t be able to live independently anymore.