Hello there. I am Terry and I am a full-time undergraduate based in Singapore. I take photos, write a blog and design websites.

And no, I'm not a teddy bear.

If Only

If Only - by KT Tunstall

Title: If Only (from the album Drastic Fantastic)
Artist: KT Tunstall (yes, my favourite!)

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If only you see me now. If only you could hear me out. If only it was only me now.

Sometimes I wish if only someone could be there to slap me. Not to slap me awake, but slap me for all the mistakes I’ve done, the trouble I’ve caused, the chaos that ensued. Believe me or not, I never did want to make your life so hard.

I always wanted to give my friends to best. I didn’t want them to go through all this – for helping me out when I’m in trouble. I think that I don’t deserve the attention or help. I really don’t. In fact, I’d feel so much better if somebody could just slap me, to punish me for all the inconvenience I’ve caused. At most, I’d cry for a night or two, waste a few boxes for tissue paper, wonder on rooftops with my MP3 player (no, I’m not jumping)… and then feel better.

The workload, pressure, requirements, expectations, deadlines, responsibilities and all – they drove me insane. To the tip of the cliff. Like a cornered, hunted deer, I might just take the jump. Across the cliff. Closing my eyes, praying hard that I can make it. I felt sad and a little troubled, depressed at certain times. I was bad at masking that rotten feeling inside me. That rotten apple.

My friends came to help. Mingyun and Jaslyn, Chongx and all. They helped me out with the simplest things I can do myself, they bought gifts to comfort me. I wish they wouldn’t do that. I feel bad for wasting their time and effort on a guy who’s probably at the edge of collapse. Do I really deserve that attention?

Existentialism. I see myself as being an insignificant part in everyone’s life. Even someday I leave, maybe they wouldn’t even notice. Sometimes I compare myself with others. Everyone is good at so many things, I am envious that the proudness and happiness their parents can feel. I wonder if I’ve ever lived up to the expectations of my parents. When they see other kids excelling in the sports, academic or social fields, do they see me lingering at a corner, nowhere to go? Will they regret for giving birth to me, for raising a child that only mirrs in the realm of self-pity and self-rejection?

If only.

p/s: Of course, I feel a lot better now. I’ve ironed out many wrinkles over the weekend, settled a handful of critically important tasks and my life is kind of back on track again… I hope. I’m fine, don’t worry. I usually can express my inner thoughts better at writing so it just crossed me that I should just pen them down. Afterall, a blog is a blog.

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