Title: If Only (from the album Drastic Fantastic)
Artist: KT Tunstall (yes, my favourite!)
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If only you see me now. If only you could hear me out. If only it was only me now.
Sometimes I wish if only someone could be there to slap me. Not to slap me awake, but slap me for all the mistakes I’ve done, the trouble I’ve caused, the chaos that ensued. Believe me or not, I never did want to make your life so hard.
I always wanted to give my friends to best. I didn’t want them to go through all this – for helping me out when I’m in trouble. I think that I don’t deserve the attention or help. I really don’t. In fact, I’d feel so much better if somebody could just slap me, to punish me for all the inconvenience I’ve caused. At most, I’d cry for a night or two, waste a few boxes for tissue paper, wonder on rooftops with my MP3 player (no, I’m not jumping)… and then feel better.
The workload, pressure, requirements, expectations, deadlines, responsibilities and all – they drove me insane. To the tip of the cliff. Like a cornered, hunted deer, I might just take the jump. Across the cliff. Closing my eyes, praying hard that I can make it. I felt sad and a little troubled, depressed at certain times. I was bad at masking that rotten feeling inside me. That rotten apple.
My friends came to help. Mingyun and Jaslyn, Chongx and all. They helped me out with the simplest things I can do myself, they bought gifts to comfort me. I wish they wouldn’t do that. I feel bad for wasting their time and effort on a guy who’s probably at the edge of collapse. Do I really deserve that attention?
Existentialism. I see myself as being an insignificant part in everyone’s life. Even someday I leave, maybe they wouldn’t even notice. Sometimes I compare myself with others. Everyone is good at so many things, I am envious that the proudness and happiness their parents can feel. I wonder if I’ve ever lived up to the expectations of my parents. When they see other kids excelling in the sports, academic or social fields, do they see me lingering at a corner, nowhere to go? Will they regret for giving birth to me, for raising a child that only mirrs in the realm of self-pity and self-rejection?
If only.
p/s: Of course, I feel a lot better now. I’ve ironed out many wrinkles over the weekend, settled a handful of critically important tasks and my life is kind of back on track again… I hope. I’m fine, don’t worry. I usually can express my inner thoughts better at writing so it just crossed me that I should just pen them down. Afterall, a blog is a blog.
Wow, this is the first time you open up so well. Usually you held your punches when reality bites but not this time.
If you’re gone, I’ll notice it, definitely. Though we are not real friends, but as a stranger, I feel connected to you (uuuhhhhh… that sounds gay).
I was in your stage Teddy. I seek medical help. I later found out I was having problem managing my stress.
Teddy, you dont need a medal or a scroll being the best at what you are, this blog already displays your capability. I’m sure its well above mine. I assure you, I rarely bow to others and I am kiasu
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Hey NH, thanks for your time ;) I really appreciate it. I don’t expect anyone to comment since I thought it’s a rather personal post and people would usually avoid saying anything, haha!
Yea I must admit that I rarely open up on my blog nowadays… my blog is just so different than before. 4 years back when I started off blogging, everything revolved around my life and now it feels a little distant from me. I should try to get that blogging spirit back!
I usually don’t blog about reality bites since it happens to me off and on – if I keep punching it all the time on this blog it’ll be very boring to read eh? I think it’s friendship that connects us – although we’re never met before but at least we’re blog buddies!
I thought of seeking medical help too, if things get out of control like when I was in college. In fact, college was one of the darkest period of my life, I seriously did contemplated suicide. Even my parents don’t know about it. I kept everything to myself… I guess the resultant implosion will be what I get from all that self-rejection and denial.
But I’m better now! Thanks! I don’t aim to be someone great, or to achieve greatness. I remembered reading this chain mail – it asked me to list 10 people who’ve changed my life, and asked me to list 10 Nobel prize winners. Now which list did I manage to breeze through? The former. It showed me that it doesn’t take a person to do something really big or great to become famous or well-known – in fact, small acts do more good than anything else.
No, I’m nowhere better than you NH ;) seriously, I look up to you a lot! You’re like the brotherly figure that I look up to.
For what is worth… If I’m your mom, I’d be very proud to have a son like you. For many reasons, Ming Yun and I like you a lot. Please give yourself some credit for the person you are ;) Study well. I’m happily slacking :D Gotta get on my feet!
You may think you are just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. To me, you and Ming Yun are like… a flood. Ha ha
Really? Oh mans I’ve so touched when I read that… sometimes I find myself lacking of what everyone around me have – optimism. But well you made my day! And the ‘flood’ thing made me laugh! Haha!
Good luck for your revision! I know it’s tough but luckily BS101 is the first paper so you don’t have to worry about it later. Heh!
teddY. i’m glad when i read the final paragraph. fuh~ anyway, i shall notice you too. even i only know you through your blog, but u did inspired me on several things. your story never been a boring thing to read.
i never had that kind of pressure yet, as i’m more to ‘over relax’ person. even tomorrow is the due that for a report, i only start writing for it in the morning of the day and this is not a good practice. i hope i will be more hardworking and prepare things earlier than usually.
anyhoo. good luck to both of us! :grin:
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Relax :) I wrote this entry a few days back in Notepad so I just posted it with a p/s… to say that I’m okay now. Luckily I included the p/s, or else that would’ve made everyone worried. Thanks for your complement, I’m really honoured to hear that!
I do things earlier to avoid the last-minute complications but believe me I’m not that efficient all the time heh! Sometimes I can drag and drag so much so that I panic in the last minute. LOL!
you are the biggest gay i ever knew, so if you are wondering if you are a nobody, rmb you are the biggest gay i ever knew=P
and oh if you need someone to slap you i will be more than willing to do so (:
see you got someone who eagerly wants to slap and give attention to you (;
btw thanks for the brownies which i havent tasted yet xD
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LOL! Everytime say I’m gay… your vocabulary is really limited XD haha! Anyway, faster eat the brownies! But remember to tie the bag up after each time because once exposed to air, the brownies will turn baaaaaad.
p/s: I’ve watched your video and it made me laugh! Haha!
Aww, Teddy, you’re such a sweetheart… but in truth, that’s what friends are for right? They’re angels that God’s sent to our side to help us through something called life. Though we wish however many times to be as strong as we can, everyone needs help. To withdraw from love and help is to just put yourself in a shell. And don’t live in regrets… there’s always tomorrow that you can buy a gift for one of your friends, there’s still tomorrow where you can express your gratitude to them ^_^ There’s always still tomorrow! I’m glad you’re feeling a lot better!
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Thanks Destiny (((huggs))) sometimes I feel bad for having my friends to help because they have their own responsibilities and things to attend to and I don’t want to bother them. I know how it sucked inside out that someone needs your help when you can’t even handle your things well… but then again, I just want them to know that whatever help that they’ve rendered to me, I am extremely appreciative of it and eternally thankful.
Sometimes I feel like withdrawing because I need some time to myself, and people might misinterpret it as me being a big stuck-up :P I shall not do that again. There’s always tomorrow, and there’s always hope.
Your comment really made my day! Thank you so much… take care!