Hello there. I am Terry and I am a full-time undergraduate based in Singapore. I take photos, write a blog and design websites.

And no, I'm not a teddy bear.

Thank You!

After writing a random letter to a classmate, I was inspired to write this post. This post is dedicated to everyone that has helped me in one way or another to grow to a person I am here today. Thank you so much. This post touches on my emotional turmoil the year before, so you're warned before hand about sensitive things. I've been wanting to blog about this but I've never got the courage to talk about it. So far I've divulged my past into a few people around me because I believe they will not laugh at me. Maybe it's time for me to walk out of the shadow and learn from my past mistakes.

This post will be a long post. If you intend to read it, get some coffee first :) Here we go. Sorry for the sad start, but you'll read the happier stuff as you move on – it's a process. It's my life. My journey. My past.

Spacer

What if I Die?

What if I Die?

It just takes a wrong word, a wrong expression, a wrong decision and a wrong state of mind for things to go topsy-turvy for me. A series of unfortunate events eventually escalated into a full-blown disaster which annihilated my self-confidence and self-esteem so much that I nearly lost the courage to stand up on my own again. I was… Hated. Abandoned. Disliked. Unloved. Ostracized. Discriminated against. Left alone to fend for myself. Shunned. Avoided. Despised. Held in contempt. Rejected. Scorned. Condemned.

I lost faith in myself, and I started to hate myself too. I don't blame others from taking away my self-esteem and confidence. I realised pretty quickly that the cause of the disaster all boils down back onto me. I've single-handedly caused it, and I should quietly accept the punishment. I silenced myself. I avoided stares of other people. I seek solace in sitting alone under the nightsky, blaming myself and yet trying to forgive myself for what I've done. Tears were shed. My eyes got so tired for crying they don't shed anymore tears.

The wound somewhat healed, but the scar remains. Everytime when I'm alone, that loneliness sets in and it picks on that piece of scab that has formed. The wound reopens again, spitting out blood like a bloodied mouth. It healed eventually, leaving that scab behind, awaitng to be picked open again.

I lost my soul, my eyes were empty. I cannot feel myself anymore, as if my old self has drifted away and disappeared into thin air. I tried to search for it, but to no avail. I lost hope and felt helpless. I even thought that the only way out is to quietly end my painful life and move to a peaceful place where I can sit on a deserted beach, soak my feet into the crystal clear sea water and see the wave flow around my feet playfully before being drawn back into the ocean.

I crave for peacefulness. No I don't want sympathy. That's why even when I was so depressed, I never called the samaritan hotline nor did I seek help from school counsellors. I tried emailing the teacher, but in the end I replied her message saying that I resolved the issue myself. That was so not true. I was still struggling with it like a lost adventurer trapped in quicksand, desperately trying to escape.

Weird questions flooded my mind. What if I die? Will you cry over my loss? Will you mourn over my death? Or will you think that it's a big rock off your chest? Will you feel happy that another anti-social sicko has left your life for good?

I do not crave for your sympathy. I do not wish you to pity me. I do not want you to ask others to love me. I do not want that extra and yet so untrue attention. I just want you to treat my like a friend. Not a tool. After that incident, you treated my just like a tool. When you needed my help, you approach me and I willinguflly help. But when the problem is resolved, before I can say an extra few words, you fled with your cautious heart away from me and back into your circle of friends. I was all alone again.

It was painful. Painful to know that you are not needed in others life. And when I die, nobody really gives a damn. Just go ahead and die, some might have the urge to shout that 5 cruel words to me. If you really wanted me to, I don't mind. I'm just unwilling to do so because I've got people I care about. I want to breathe in the air that I once loved, to touch the things that I once liked. I've got a million reasons not to leave this world, and just one reason to die. Why should I?

Friendship to me was like a luxury. I was very grateful if someone would actually bother to ask me about my weekend, about my schoolwork, about how I feel and about what I need. Friendship was once as impossible as the end of the rainbow, and was once as transient as a passing car. I never got the chance to hold on to people around me – they shun me. I'm not blaming them. I can only blame myself again and again for all that stupidity and childishness in my decisions and choice of words.

Spacer

Panic Button

Panic Button

How much I wish this button existed. When something ever goes wrong, you'll just need to punch that button and *poof* what you've done previously is erased forever. No need to consider the consequences of my actions. No need to worry about the decisions I make. No need to go crazy over a wrong word used. No need to feel sad because I've accidentally offended somebody. Punch that magical button and everything reverts back to normal.

But this button never existed. I know that I am supposed to be responsible for every single word I've said, every single decision I've made and every single step I've taken. There's no turning back. When something goes wrong, that is it. Dead end. No matter how hard you try to repair the damage and to heal the wound, what is broken is broken, what is dead is dead. I can barely do anything to it, and what I can do is wait for the sky to fall on my head.

I've taken the wrong step a year ago. And I regretted it. So what? Damage is done. Scars are there to stay. Negative impressions are made. So what I did was that I retreated into my own little world, crying over the stupid mistakes I've done.

Guys don't cry. Quite true. But not for me. I cried myself to sleep every night since that incident until someone bothered to step into the mess and pick me up. I had no friends. I didn't have anybody to talk to. I didn't want to call the samaritan hotline. I didn't want to consult a counsellor. I kept to myself, witnessing how the flower of self-hatred blossomed and infiltrated my heart like a forest fire. In contary to what many people thought, I was very regretful of what I did. I wanted to learn a lesson from it, and I did not even attempt to escape the responsibility. But you thought that I was trying to run away. You caught me, locked me in a dark place and vowed never to let me run away damaging other people's lives. You never knew that I wanted to change so badly. And you deprived me of a chance to say sorry to everyone. 

One fine day someone came into my life. It's a friendly interference – she told me what wrong things I've done and listed out possible solutions to it. She freed me from that dark room, and she helped me to get me up on my own feet. She taught me how to walk again, and yet take extra caution where am I walking to. Thank you.

Spacer

Standing on My Feet Again

Standing on My Feet Again

Eunice, Samantha and Valerie. Thank you all so much for your encouragement, help and advice when I felt so lost. Thanks for your guidance and support, I've been able to find the right path and also been able to stand up straight on my own. 

They've reintroduced sunshine in my life, clearing away all that dark rainy clouds and injecting liveliness into my soul. They can be said to have resurrected me, allowing me to face myself confidently in the front of the mirror and appreciate how hard I've tried to change myself to be a better person and not be cynical or sceptical of my decisions.

Spacer

All That Sunshine and Smiles

All That Sunshine and Smiles

Cheerful people around me made me feel less guilty of myself. They've made me realise how beautiful can life be if I choose to forget about all the negatives and walk out of my own shadow. They've taught me how to be appreciative to others who've helped me in one way or another, and they taught me the beauty of humour and laughter which can really brighten my day up.

I start to loosen up. I don't hate myself anymore. And I don't blame myself anymore. I've learnt from the mistake and vowed that I will never repeat those foolish footsteps made by the old me again. I've got the punshiment I deserve, and it's time for me to move on and stop looking back.

They are Christopher, Robert, Wahtoon and Yueqi. They are my sunshine, my angels. Thank you so much for all that humourous sarcasm which never fail to bring a big fat grin across my face as well as all that lame jokes you've shared with me. Life has never been so good when you guys are around!

Spacer

Staying Beside Me

Staying Beside Me

Ivan and Lekchia. Thank you for being standing by my side all along the time, giving me more than a thousand reason to stay strong and not give up. You motivated me to improve on myself while encouraged me not to think too much about the past. You're right. I was being locked down by an imaginary chain by my past, so much so that I can't move on with my life and stay stagnant. As people around me change, I've got to adapt too, or not I'll just always be a loner since I have nothing in common and in sync with the others around me.

Ivan, thank you for lending me a listening ear. I was so depressed at times I really have to call you and tell how how miserable and agonising I feel. Sorry for all that whining and complains, but after talking to you I feel a lot better!

Lekchia, thank you for being silently there. You don't speak a lot, but your presence calms me. You gave me the sense of security such that I'm not worried that I'll fumble and no one will care about me. You cared! You validated my existence – you made me feel alive, breathing, blinking, thinking. 

Spacer

A Breath of Fresh Air

A Breath of Fresh Air

I would love to say that I've made a lot of progress this year in reconstructing and repairing my social network. I opened up to people around me, and tried really hard in engaging conversations with them. Of course, sometimes I get NIL responses and sometimes people get freaked out when I get too aggressive. I toned down a little, but I still remain optimistic and passionate about it.

I've made a couple of new friends this year. Chankeet, Kianhong, Kityeng, Reihorng, Yingchern and Yuting. I knew them since last year, but I was too reluctant to step out of my comfort zone. I wasn't sure about myself, whether I am prepared to walk out of the past – I was afraid that others have negative impressions about me, and even if I mustered the courage to talk to them they'll just ignore my existence, causing further damage to my frail self. I was… Timid. Reluctant. Unwilling. Unable to.

This year I told myself, hey, it's time for a fresh start. Make 2007 a happy year for yourself. Why must you make life so darn miserable? So I decided to make new friends. Technically speaking they aren't new, but it is only until this year when I begin to speak to them at ease, and haha at least we have something to talk about.

Chankeet, thank you for just being there. At least you provided me a medium to express myself through my writings, and your SMSes are so encouraging and cheerful. Thanks! I'm sorry for some of the very personal letter, but I'm glad to know that you don't mind reading them. But yea I'm quite okay now, all thanks to your help!

Kianhong, thank you for always being so concerned about me. Well, I definitely enjoyed the time where we sat together and talked non-stop about our life journeys! Thanks for sharing your wonderful insights of life and your principles. No worries, I will cherish this friendship!

Kityeng and Yingchern, thank you both for your smiles! Everytime when I see both of you smiling I'll get that big load of worries and sadness off my mind. Thanks for your jokes and conversations, as they always brighten up my day and make sun shine through the dark clouds, clearing them away.

Reihorng, thanks for being such a great friend! Thanks for the academic help you've rendered to me when I'm very blur or in doubt, and not to forget that funny sarcasm and interesting personality you have. Sitting beside you during lectures and tutorial can never be any more fun because you keep making me laugh and giggle over all that funny and sometimes, stupid stuff you do! Haha!

Yuting, thank you so much for being a great friend too! Your very hardworking nature motivates me to keep doing my tutorials so that I won't lag behind the pace of the tutorials. And thanks for lending me your notes and clearing my doubts when I don't understand some things. You're a very nice, sweet, sensitive and considerate person, and it is always a joy to have you as a friend and as a classmate in my life.

Spacer 

Friends I've Never Seen

Friends I’ve Never Seen

My webfriends. I've never seen you before, but you gave me that support and concern like a normal person I see everyday. You've done a really awesome thing because it is actually harder to care for someone whom you've never seen nor met. You have my respect.

They are: Dakota, Dennis, Emily, Grace, Ingsiang, Iwan, Jason, Lawrence, Melissa, Michelle, Rames, Rei, Smashp0p, Tony, Yanni.

Spacer

I Can Smile Again

I Can Smile Again

Thanks to all those people above and plus others whose names I've not mentioned who've helped me in one way or another. This is a sincere, big thank you to all of you! Thanks for making me rebuilt my confidence and self-esteem. They meant a lot to me. Thanks for making me regain my lost soul. Thanks for everything!

I can finally smile again. Those weird questions stopped haunting me. Those weird feelings stop engulfing my heart like a rentless blackhole. I can see why life is so meaningful and why it is a blessing to me. I'm glad that I am still alive today, and I will never ever wander into those dangerous thoughts again. I can finally flash my true smile and laugh out my true laughter. Life has never been that blissful and cheerful to me.

Spacer

My Promise

My Promise

I promise that I will never repeat my stupid mistakes anymore. Never ever again. I've learnt from it, and I see it as a very important lesson in my life.

I promose that I will stay happy at all times, even when I know that the situation prohibits me to feel so. I should always aims to make others happy too, since happiness is nothing when you keep it to yourself and not share it with others.

I promise that I will never think about death anymore. I have done too little things and have too many things to do. I am grateful to my mom who endured 9 months of pain, my parents who painstakingly brought me up, my school who gave me a chance to study in a foreign country as well as people around me who make my life a bright and sunny one.

I promise that I will try my best to improve myself, to become a better person. There is no way I can be a perfect person, but I'll try my best to get as close to there as possible.

I promise that I will keep these promises until my last breath (which is like many many many years to come! haha!)

Spacer

Thank You! 

Thank You!

Thank you for taking your time to read this post. Hope you've known more about me.  It'll be nice if you can drop a comment or two, but it's perfectly fine to just read this post. I hope this post has inspired you to stay strong and to always look at the bright side of life.

Be seeing you! 

Be Sociable, Share!

Burn after reading » Now you're done reading. What's next?

Related

Related posts that might interest you:

Popular

Posts that are popular among visitors: